Would someone mind dimming the lights, please? And whatever that noise is, could you knock it off? It’s sending me on a NYE flashback, with champagne corks firing in my mind like migraines. Alright, 2012. It’s here. And depending on who you’d like to believe, this may be it, folks. The last year of human existence. 365 days remain to do whatever it is you’re going to do. I had a bucket list, but I left it in the pair of pants I started twisting ‘round my head like a helicopter over the weekend. Not that I’d tell you what I plan on doing, anyway. I adhere to a strict code of confidentiality. Besides, I’m in a more predictive state of mind and, instead of resolutions, I’m running down the list of things I expect to see this year.
#1. R.E.M.’s “It’s The End of the World” Will Trend Everyday This Year
#REM; #EndOfTheWorld. If those aren’t trending hashtags yet, they will be. The Merry Lil’ Twanksters on Twitter will be blasting this tune at least once a day, using hashtags and shortlinks to ensure the song stays on “repeat” in their digital minds until the punctuation mark of 12/21/12. And since no one can remember the lyrics, here’s a helpful link.
#2. Someone Will Win the Internet
It’s bound to happen and this is the last year to do it. The sardonic naysayers and fail-mongers of the Internet are always slapping down some pitiful fool for saying something stupid or off color or generally disagreeable to their masses, exclaiming that the sorry SOB has won the Internet. Well, guess what? This year, someone will. The TechnoCore (AKA Skynet, AKA The Matrix, AKA [insert the name of some other evil sentient technological entity here]) will actually bestow this award upon one of the aforementioned pitiful fools. Unfortunately, the weight of such a great honor will crush the sorry SOB’s spirit, causing the sardonic naysayers and fail-mongers to have yet another field day.
#3. The World Will Realize How Messed Up Spain Is
Okay, this one doesn’t really relate to anything on the Internet, but the Brogrammers at Oneupweb informed me of a little game the Spaniards like to play around the holidays, which I refer to as “Use a Stick to Beat a Log So It Craps Presents.” Seriously. So, Spain invented that; they’re also responsible for wiping out the indigenous in South American, which could loosely – loosely, I stress – be the straw that broke the proverbial alpaca’s back, ultimately causing the Mayans to say “Forget this noise, we’re screwing you all over December 21, 2012. Mark it on your calendars, because it’s the end of ours, bastiches.” And let’s not forget the Inquisition.
#4. You Will Hear About How the World Is Ending So Much That You Actually Hope It Does, In Fact, End
That’s pretty self-explanatory. Unfortunately, you’ll be disappointed – see #5, below.
#5. We’ll Still Be Here 12/22/12
I can’t speak for the rest of you, but I’ve built up way too much Bad Karma for the world to wink out in a Tiny Whisper on 12/21/12. No, I will still be here on 12/22/12, as will most everyone else. We’re not going to get off that easy, ladies and gentlemen. So, bring the brewskies or your preferable beverage and I’ll bring the cocktail weenies. We’ll raise a toast to 2012 as we stay warm around the embers from the fire-sale madness that will be the days leading up to 12/21/12 and, after we collect our collective heads, it’ll be just in time to start making predictions about 2013. So stay safe, stay sane and have a Happy effing New Year, everyone!