(This Is) NOT Another List of Search Predictions for 2008

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I swear, it isn’t. Why would you even do that? I don’t know what people are thinking: “what better way to start off the year than to set myself up to look absurd by next Christmas?” And WebProNews’s Jason Lee Miller trumped my idea of going back and digging up 2007’s predictions that didn’t come true. So, this is NOT a list of SEO predictions for 2008.

This is a list of Three Things I Want to Happen So I Don’t Lose My Mind in 2008.

Were I the King and Exalted Ruler of Search Marketing Plus the Internet I would verily declare the following to be law:

1) No longer is anyone allowed to use “Google” as a verb. I know it’s better than “Yahooed,” and “Asked” just sounds as though you’re giving the engine far too much credit, anthropomorphicalogically. But “Googled” sounds weird, and kind of gross. I don’t care if it’s in the dictionary. Big deal. The Simpsons has already made fun of it at least twice. Plus, what happens if, yes, heck freezes over, pigs fly, and another search engine usurps what seems to be unimpeachable market share? Then, friends, we’re stuck with a gross verb/proprietary eponym that’s also obsolete. I know Jello, and Google, you are no Jello. Let’s just say “search,” OK? Let’s say “search.” From now on.

We’re no longer “Googling,” we’re searching.

2) Let’s all stop using the term “Web 2.0.” Everybody gets it, but seriously, it’s a faulty neologism; tell me, is there going to be a “Web 2.0.6”? “OK, everybody, you have to reload the Web; remember that thing that was happening with the Web? We patched it. Everybody turn off your computers. Everybody in the world, please shut down. China, we’re waiting for you. OK, reboot! Now we’re good.” Plus, it’s as though we’re already planning its obsolescence. Which probably already happened. The entire thing is too amorphous to tag it that easily. I offer no replacement, but I don’t care.

And please, no “Web 3.0.”

3) Please, we absolutely need to stop considering holiday-related search engine logo changes newsworthy. The fact that there’s a rabbit and an egg by the Google logo, and it’s April – that’s not news. It’s not news in the same way that Budweiser running those Clydesdale ads in December is not news. “Hey, it’s March and McDonalds is selling green shakes – STOP THE PRESSES!” Not news.

It’s filler, sort of like this blog post.

Any breach of these laws shall be punishable either by death or a five-year suspension of any and all computer privileges. Your choice.

Ahh, it’s good to be the King.

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