4 Songs That Prove Spotify is Judging Me

“Spotify holds a very special place in my heart. I don’t think I could function in the day to day without it, and nothing has ever held up against it. ” -Nicole Emenhiser

Sometimes loving Spotify is like having a crush on your bully. You think they’re sooo cool but you’re pretty sure they just tolerate you. Then they dump milk on your head and you regret all your life choices and everyone is jerks and I’m totally tripping that kid on the playground next time I see—

Sorry, just had a flashback.

Anyway! A month or two ago, Spotify released its Discover Weekly playlist; Spotify automatically builds a playlist weekly based on music I’ve liked, loved or repeat-played to the point of pain and death. And it’s the best thing since organic gluten-free handmade local artisnal sliced bread. Every month is a happy surprise mix-up. (Muse? Deadmau5? Modest Mouse? Aw, Spotify, I knew you liked me back!) But sometimes there are a few mysteries in this mixed bag of nuts (Jimmy Fallon? Crudbump? …Lil Dicky? Wha—?) that make me wonder if Spotify’s not just subtly judging me. Like that one friend. You know the one: “Oh my gosh I wish I could just wear anything like you do!!” Oh yeah you bottle blonde son of a—

Sorry. Another flashback.

Anyway! Here are four songs that make me think Spotify is judging me. Take a listen and you tell me, is this judgement or is there something I’m not seeing?

  1. EW! – Jimmy Fallon, will.i.am
    1. Because this is something people listen to casually.
  2. Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf – Rob Cantor
    1. Okay, Spotify, this is actually really fun. I can forgive you a little bit. But I have to ask, why did this song crop up between Muse and The Raconteurs? I can tell you right now, no one’s brain knows how to handle that transition.
  3. Spooky, Scary Skeletons – Andrew Gold
    1. THIS IS LITERALLY JUST A HALLOWEEN CD. And not even a good one! The kind at crappy parties where you can’t have sexy costumes because the kids might come downstairs. It’s basically just spooky noises and a xylophone!
  4. True Survivor (From Kung Fury) – David Hasselhoff
    1. Dangit, Spotify.